


it's my fault (i know i'm selfish)

by Livesinbooks



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Fix-It, Gen, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Sexual Harassment, Spoilers, Suicide, Suicide to restart the loop, Temporary Character Death, Time Loop, Trauma, Underage Rape/Non-con, Yut-Lung needs a hug, but heavily implied, not graphic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-18
Updated: 2020-11-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 07:35:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27619817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Livesinbooks/pseuds/Livesinbooks
Summary: // Spoilers for Episode 9 //“It seems that our guest of honour is late.”For a moment, Yut-Lung is incredibly disoriented, and he has to blink a few times, head still ringing with Ash’s screams.He’s at the dinner table for Golzine’s little dinner party. There’s the table, Ibe across from him, Lobo across from Arthur. The ugly green curtains and the red carpet.The door opens and Ash enters the room, looking cleaned up, calm and collected, nothing like his appearance just moments ago.What’s going on?
Relationships: Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji, Lee Yut-Lung & Okumura Eiji
Comments: 32
Kudos: 136





	it's my fault (i know i'm selfish)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [guardiansofthefantasy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/guardiansofthefantasy/gifts).



> TW: heavily implied underage rape, discussion of underage rape, discussion of canon sexual child abuse, suicide, murder, temporary character death, violence (not too graphic), vomit (non graphic), cursing
> 
> Please be careful, the topics in this are heavy, like Banana Fish itself was too, so if you were okay with watching it you should be okay reading this, but take care of yourself and look at the TWs and tags  
> If I forgot to tag something important please tell me and I'll immediately add it
> 
> Title from Trauma by NF
> 
> It's my fault, I know I'm selfish  
> Stand alone, my soul is jealous  
> It wants love, but I reject it

**Day 1**

“It seems that our guest of honour is late.”  


Yut-Lung doesn’t look at Golzine, instead studies the ugly green curtains across from him behind the two men, Lobo and Ibe, on the other side of the table. They look unhappy with the situation and worried, probably wondering where Shorter and Eiji are.  
Eiji who had the audacity to judge him for getting used to this life he’s been forced to live since he was young. There’s a part of Yut-Lung that wants to break Eiji, see him fall apart, experience his and Ash’s reality on his own body.  
A very small part of him hopes that Eiji will never be tainted by their lives.

With force, Yut-Lung pushes the thoughts about the Japanese boy away and focuses back on dinner as the door opens and Ash enters, wearing the same suit like the other men. Only Yut-Lung was spared an outfit by Golzine, and he was glad about it. Wearing his own clothes gives him the necessary comfort to deal with all of this right now.  
Because despite what he told Eiji, he doesn’t actually manage to deal with his life this easily. There are moments when he wants to scream about how unfair it all is. But he knows it wouldn’t change anything, so he doesn’t.

Golzine goes on about how beautiful Ash looks, and while Yut-Lung agrees with him, it’s still gross to hear the bald man talk like that.  
They’re being served wine then, Ash first.

“I chose it specifically for you. Can you tell what it is?” Golzine asks, never taking his eyes off of Ash, who takes a sip of the wine, face impassive.  
“Romaneé-Conti. I suppose it’s a ‘69.”  
“Excellent! I see you still remember what I taught you.”

Yut-Lung stops listening then as Golzine goes on about the earring he got Ash, thinking about what they could possibly be doing with Shorter right now. There’s no doubt that Golzine has special plans to use him to hurt Ash somehow, but Yut-Lung can’t think of how he might do that. It’s a pity, really, he kind of likes Shorter. Maybe Golzine will only use Eiji against Ash after all, and Yut-Lung would honestly care less about that.

Finally, they’re being served food. Yut-Lung is glad that he’s mostly being ignored if you don’t count the lewd glances Golzine keeps sending his way occasionally that make Yut-Lung’s skin crawl.  
They eat and Golzine keeps up chatter. Occasionally, Arthur and Ash make comments too.

“Ash, I gave you books, a good education. I taught you plenty of things.”

Yut-Lung feels a little sick at Golzine praising himself, as if a good education makes up for what else he did to Ash. His brothers are using the same techniques to make him doubt if he deserves to hate them as much as he does.

“I also gave you a gun and taught you how to shoot. I never would’ve imagined you’d point that gun at me.”

That has to be a lie. He can’t be that delusional, thinking Ash would be submissive and cowering. No, just like Yut-Lung, Ash hates the one ruining him and his childhood. They’re very similar, actually, Yut-Lung realises. It irritates him because why doesn’t he have someone like Eiji if they’re the same, someone pure of heart who cares about him. Why does only Ash deserve that?

“You are the most beautiful, dangerous beast there is,” Golzine continues, and the door bursts open, four men with guns surrounding Ash, more pointing weapons at Lobo and Ibe.  
“Now then, dinner is over. Let us take you to the show venue.”

Yut-Lung isn’t allowed to join them at the show venue, instead he’s being returned to the bedroom in which he left Eiji. The young man looks up at him, looking helpless but like he’s trying not to show his weakness.  
Pathetic.

Ignoring him, he walks past him and sits stiffly on the bed. The guard who brought him, now grabs Eiji by the arm.  
“You’re needed,” he says in a cruel voice and then drags him along. Eiji looks over his shoulder, and his and Yut-Lung’s eyes meet before the door falls shut, locking Yut-Lung in.  
But, of course he remembered the code from earlier, so after waiting for a few moments, he gets up and walks to the keypad and presses the right buttons: 6-8-1-2.  
The door unlocks and he opens it carefully, looking around the hallway. There’s no guards, apparently Golzine trusts the locked door enough to keep him in. Yut-Lung is almost offended by this underestimation of his skills.  
But, he doesn’t have time to think about that right now. So, instead he sneaks down the hallway until he passes a window and sees people arrive outside. One of his eyebrows rises as he studies them while they approach the house.  
“That’s a Republican senator. And a colonel,” he realises. That stirs up his curiosity. Why are they here?  
He finds a flight of stairs and climbs down into a wine cellar.

“To think Golzine has such connections. What is he up to?”

He hears Ash’s voice then, and steps to a door with bars at the top through which he can peak. He sees Shorter, chest bare, talking to Ash who’s chained up by all his limbs. He can’t quite understand them, but he can see Ash’s face, and he looks worried.  
Lobo and Ibe are there too, chained to a pillar a few feet from Ash.

The scene that follows, leaves Yut-Lung shocked, unable to move or look away. Eiji is dragged into the room, and Shorter seems to be scared of him.  
Yut-Lung keeps staring as Arthur throws Shorter a knife and tells him to kill Eiji.

The effects of Banana Fish are truly frightening, yet for a moment all Yut-Lung can think of is how much he would like to use it on his brothers and make them _suffer_.

He shakes his head and focuses back on the events unfolding in front of him. Eiji is bleeding, and Ash seems torn and desperate. Even with a knife himself, Eiji can’t protect himself, and both Yut-Lung and Ash, as well as probably the other people in the room too, know that even if Eiji knew how to fight, he wouldn’t hurt Shorter, not even to save himself.

So when Arthur throws a gun on the floor near Ash, Yut-Lung knows how this will end, and for some reason, his chest constricts.  
He liked Shorter… This wasn’t what he had in mind when he helped Golzine kidnap him and Eiji. This wasn’t his intention.

His view blurs as the gunshot rings through the cellar, and he can barely make out Shorter collapsing on top of Eiji, who hugs him despite everything. Stupidly kind boy…

As Shorter’s dead body is being carried out and Ash’s screams for his friend echo in his head, the blurring gets worse and Yut-Lung’s head spins. And then, without warning, he feels himself falling and the world turns dark.

**Day 2**

“It seems that our guest of honour is late.”

For a moment, Yut-Lung is incredibly disoriented, and he has to blink a few times, head still ringing with Ash’s screams.  
He’s at the dinner table for Golzine’s little dinner party. There’s the table, Ibe across from him, Lobo across from Arthur. The ugly green curtains and the red carpet.

The door opens and Ash enters the room, looking cleaned up, calm and collected, nothing like his appearance just moments ago.  
What’s going on?  
Yut-Lung carefully moves his hands, trying to avoid attracting any attention, and pinches his thigh. Nothing, he’s definitely awake. Did he doze off while they were waiting for Ash, and that had been a very realistic dream?  
As unlikely as it seems, it has to be what happened. Yet it is strange how the conversations at dinner seem to be playing out just like in his dream, word for word. It’s confusing, and it makes Yut-Lung’s heart beat faster with the beginnings of panic, so he firmly pushes the thoughts of that dream away.  
So what if he had a very realistic dream, it doesn’t matter. There’s no way his head can predict what’s going to happen today.

Right?

As it turns out, apparently it can because everything plays out exactly like he dreamed. All the way to Ash shooting Shorter and Yut-Lung starting to feel dizzy.  
He watches Shorter being carried out a second time, listens to Ash screaming, and then collapses on the ground.

**Day 3**

“It seems that our guest of honour is late.”

Yut-Lung opens his eyes with a gasp, heart racing. He’s back at dinner, and his reaction made everyone look at him.

“What’s the matter with you?” Arthur asks, frowning, as the door opens, and Yut-Lung forces himself to smile coyly.  
“I apologise, I’m simply happy to see Ash again. He is a quite interesting person.”  
Still smiling, he turns to look at Ash, who has a neutral look on his face, but his eyes are burning with hatred. Yut-Lung can’t blame him.

Golzine seems to be satisfied with his answer, and simply talks to Ash, saying the same things like the past two times.  
Jaw cramping from keeping the forced little smile on his lips, Yut-Lung clenches his hands to fists under the table, burying his fingernails in his palms.  
What’s going on? Why is he at dinner again?

His mind is reeling and he can barely focus on eating, or afterwards when he’s being led back to the bedroom.  
Without his permission, his hand shoots out as he passes Eiji on the way to the bed, and he holds on tightly to his wrist, staring at him.  
“Run, Eiji,” he mumbles, before Eiji wrenches his hand out of his grip and blinks at him confused and with mistrust.  
Before Yut-Lung can say more, the guard is grabbing Eiji and leading him out.  
The rest of the events happen just like the first two times.

**Day 4**

“It seems that our guest of honour is late.”

Yut-Lung gets up and clears his throat.  
“I’m afraid I’ll have to excuse myself briefly.”  
Without waiting for an answer or permission, he rushes out of the room, a guard following. He makes his way down the hallway and around a corner where he stops and waits for the guard to catch up, knocking him out with one of his needles.  
His hands are trembling and he leans against the wall behind him, trying to get his body under control again.

What is happening to him? Why does he keep reliving this over and over again? Is it his punishment for getting a decent man like Shorter killed in this horrible way? Is he dead and this is his very personal hell?

In the empty hallway, his breathing is too loud, and his hands fly to his throat as he buries his fingernails in the skin there. The trigger for this… this _loop_ seems to be seeing Shorter’s death, so if he just stays away and doesn’t watch it…

Determination fills him, and he straightens his shoulders, hands falling to his sides, throat no doubt adorned with crescent-shaped marks. That’s his plan. He’ll hide somewhere until Shorter is dead and then tell Golzine that he felt sick and had to leave dinner.

After a few minutes he finds an empty sitting room and collapses in an armchair, staring at the clock on the wall, waiting.  
His hands pick nervously at his clothes, and eventually he starts undoing his hair just so he can busy his fingers. The hands on the clock seem to be moving in slow motion, and he starts feeling really, really guilty.  
He’s hiding from this horrible thing from which neither Ash, nor Shorter or Eiji can hide. He’s being a coward.

But who could blame him? There’s nothing he can do to help them. He can only help himself, and with a life like his and Ash’s that’s the most important thing.

Finally, it should be time for dinner to be over, and Yut-Lung holds his breath, then forces himself to breathe calmly. His body is tense, and his hands are absently tugging on his now loose hair.

There’s no way for Yut-Lung to know the exact time everything will happen. Dinner started at 7:30pm, Ash arrived a little late, about five to ten minutes, and dinner lasted approximately an hour. About fifteen to twenty minutes passed from the guard leading Yut-Lung back to the bedroom to Yut-Lung finding the wine cellar and seeing Ash and Shorter talk. Then it all blurs a little, but if he had to guess, he’d say it took about another five minutes until Ash shot Shorter.

So, if he isn’t too far off with his estimations, Shorter should die at approximately 9pm, give or take a couple minutes.  
Right now it is almost 8:45pm, and Yut-Lung’s heart speeds up some more.  
He doesn’t want to go through this one and a half hour again.

When it gets closer and closer to 9pm and he feels fine, Yut-Lung starts to relax.  
But then, it’s almost as if he can hear the gunshot despite being pretty far away from the cellar, and Ash’s screams, and his head spins.

“No,” he begs. “Not again.”

The world turns dark.

**Day 5**

“It seems that our guest of honour is late.”

Yut-Lung looks around and then curses. Because it doesn’t matter anyways. Shorter will die and he will faint and relive this again and again.  
“Excuse me?” Golzine says frowning even as the door opens and Ash enters.  
Gritting his teeth, Yut-Lung gets up abruptly.  
“I said _Fucking bullshit_!”

He can feel everyone staring at him, and Golzine is frowning.  
“What has gotten into you?”  
“Into me? You’re the one who drugged Ash’s friend with Banana Fish!”  
Ash flinches as if Yut-Lung has punched him, and he may as well have. Yut-Lung focuses on the blond boy. Maybe if he warns him it will count as trying to save Shorter and he’ll be free of this loop.  
“They made him afraid of Eiji! He’ll be forced to kill him while you have to watch,” he says quickly even as Arthur gets up and grabs him, pressing a hand to his mouth.  
Yut-Lung thrashes around in his grip and bites Arthur’s hand who curses and pulls it away from him.  
“I know you don’t trust me, but believe me! Shorter will die, you have to go save him and Eiji!”

Someone hits him over the head and it lolls forward. He blinks a few times. This has to have been enough, right? He warned him, he told him everything. He made up for his mistakes.  
“How do you know about this?” Golzine asks, warning in his voice.  
Yut-Lung squints at him.  
“I just do.”

Golzine’s face is dark, and he waves a hand.  
“Take him back to his room, Arthur. We will still have dinner before our event, I won’t let the food go to waste. And you better eat.”

Arthur drags him from the room and they pass the armed guards who Golzine positions around the room now, probably to force Ash, Lobo and Ibe to stay put at dinner.  
Yut-Lung catches Ash’s eyes in passing, and hopes he can see that he’s being serious. He’s actually trying to help. For his own reasons, but that shouldn’t matter in the grand scheme of things.

Arthur pushes him into the bedroom with a rough shove that sends Yut-Lung falling to his knees, but instead of just closing the door behind him, Arthur follows him inside and grabs the rope with which Eiji had been tied up earlier.  
Yut-Lung tries to fight him, but he’s always been physically weak, and Eiji is doing nothing to help him, just watches with wide eyes from the corner.

Ignoring Yut-Lung’s struggling, Arthur ties him to the bed in the same position Eiji had been in and grins down at him.  
“Papa Dino will enjoy himself with you later.”

Then he leaves, door locking automatically behind him. Yut-Lung struggles against the rope, but it only chafes his wrists.

“Eiji, loosen those ropes,” he says, trying to keep the venom out of his voice.  
The Japanese boy just stares at him and then slowly shakes his head. It aggravates Yut-Lung even though logically he knows that Eiji has no reason to trust or help him in any way.  
“I’m trying to do something right by saving your pathetic self. I told Ash about Shorter, he’s warned. So untie me!”  
“You knew about their plan to drug Shorter?” Eiji seems shocked. “Kidnapping us is one thing, but this?”  
“No, I didn’t know! I can’t explain, just untie me!”  
“I won’t. You’re a liar.”

Yut-Lung glares at him, beyond frustrated. Well, he warned Ash at least. It has to be enough.

Only once Eiji has been picked up by the guard an hour later, Yut-Lung realises he could’ve told him the code to the door as a sign of trust.

But he didn’t think of it, so all he can do is wait. There’s no clock, so he lies there, unsure of the time, hands numb because of the restricted blood flow, and just silently hopes for the loop to end.  
Sure, he’ll be in trouble for what he did earlier, but he can handle that. Everything is better than having to relive the same 90 minutes again and again and again without knowing why it’s happening.

Time passes incredibly slowly once again, but then, it’s like the previous day. Despite being too far away for it to be possible, he hears the gunshot, his head spins, Ash screams Shorter’s name, and then he faints.

**Day 6**

“Like a born aristocrat.”

Yut-Lung wakes up at dinner, Ash already sitting and looking at him, then at Arthur. There is this urge to scream, but he holds it back. There’s nothing he can do, so he just follows the events like the first few times. There’s no way out after all. He’ll be stuck in this loop forever.

**Day 11**

“It seems that our guest of honour is late.”

Yut-Lung gets up with a pinched expression.  
After four days of doing nothing, just accepting his fate, he feels the need to try something else. He can’t just give up like that! He’s not a pathetic weakling like Eiji.

“I apologise, but I don’t feel so good. Could someone escort me to a bathroom?”

The door opens and Ash enters the room, so Golzine just waves a hand and one of the waiters moves next to him, taking his arm. Yut-Lung pretends to be weak on his legs as he walks past Ash and out into the hallway.  
The waiter is probably armed, so Yut-Lung waits until they reach the bathroom and the man walks into it with him.  
“I’m not allowed to let you out of my sight,” the man says with a lecherous smirk, and Yut-Lung smiles back at him sweetly.  
“I’m flattered, you think I’d try to escape? Why would I run from a noble man like Golzine? And his very attractive staff.”  
He winks at him and the man grins even wider, stepping closer. One of his hands grabs Yut-Lung’s chin rather roughly, and he leans closer.  
“Do you not feel sick anymore?”

Yut-Lung looks into his dark eyes and slips a needle from his hair.  
“I feel really sick in the presence of such a disgusting man as yourself.”

He pokes him in the neck with a practiced motion and watches as he falls to the floor, smiling satisfied. Okay. Now he has to find where they’re keeping Shorter. Maybe if he can keep them from drugging him, Shorter can flee and he will manage to get to the end of this day. Screw Ash and Eiji, Shorter is the one he apparently has to save to make up for his wrongdoings.

Yut-Lung moves through the hallways with quick movements. They can’t keep Shorter too far from the cellar and the show venue or he’d have heard or seen them move him there at least one time. He’s probably downstairs in the basement in some lab or cell, so when he finds a staircase, he quickly hurries downwards.

The lab is, as predicted, close to the wine cellar and is mostly empty except for Shorter, apathetic and strapped to a chair, a doctor scribbling in a notebook, and two armed guards left and right of the entrance. Yut-Lung’s mind is working rapidly. He can’t take both of them out quietly and take care of the doctor too without someone being alerted.  
But he needs to get to Shorter. They’re probably keeping him sedated until it’s time to inject him and get him to Ash.

Yut-Lung is perfectly silent in the hallway as he goes over his options. Lie his way through this interaction, seduce the guards, lead them out of the lab one by one without the doctor noticing.  
He can’t think of a lie quick enough, and he knows that he doesn’t have much time before Golzine will send someone to go check on him and the waiter in the nearest bathroom and find the unconscious man.  
Trying to seduce two guards at once without them getting suspicious will also be too difficult, so he has to get them away from the lab one by one.

There’s no time for a better plan, so he takes a deep, quiet breath and sneaks further down the hallway. Once closer to the corner, he stops sneaking and walks out of sight normally, footsteps echoing on the walls.

“Did you hear that?” one of the guards grumbles.  
“No.”  
“I heard footsteps. Did Papa Dino’s pet escape?”  
“Go check then.”  
“Why me?”  
“You heard it.”

There is grumbling and then heavy footsteps in his direction. Yut-Lung keeps walking, his own steps clearly audible.  
“Who’s there?” the guard calls and Yut-Lung walks around another corner where he stops and waits, the guard now clearly speeding up.

Moments later the man rounds the corner and stops, surprised, staring at him.  
“You’re not supposed to be down here, miss.”

Yut-Lung smiles sheepishly and leans closer.  
“I’m so sorry, I got lost.”  
“You’re…”  
“Not a girl.”

A stab with the needle and the guard collapses. Yut-Lung barely manages to catch him and let him down a little slower so the impact won’t be heard by the other guard and the doctor.  
It takes a minute or two until the second guard calls for his friend and then starts approaching. He’s taken out just as easily, and Yut-Lung can finally enter the lab.

The doctor stares at him, and Yut-Lung narrows his eyes.  
“I took out both of the guards. If you don’t wish to be next I suggest you keep your mouth shut.”  
The doctor who - up close - seems to be just an assistant after all, nods, eyes big and scared. Truly pathetic. He should realise that Yut-Lung is way too fragile to take someone down in an actual fight, but his stupidity helps Yut-Lung, so he won’t complain or correct the man.

Instead of wasting more time, he rushes to Shorter and shakes his arm.  
“Shorter, wake up,” he snaps, and he does, slowly, eyes growing wide. He starts thrashing against the restraints, but he isn’t saying anything.  
“What sedative did you give him?”  
The assistant blinks at him and then looks almost proud.  
“Banana Fish. It’s no sedative, it’s-”

Yut-Lung feels cold and helpless for a moment before forcing himself to focus and interrupt the man.  
“I know what it is. Where’s the antidote?”  
“There is none.”

Despite expecting this answer, it makes Yut-Lung furious, and the man seems to realise that because he takes a few steps back.  
“You have to talk to Dr. Dawson! He created it! I don’t know how it works!”  
“Just shut up,” Yut-Lung snaps and rubs his face. So he can’t save Shorter from the Banana Fish. That’s okay. Maybe if he just apologises to him, makes him understand.

“Shorter, can you hear me?”  
No response, but the thrashing stops as if he’s waiting for more.  
“I didn’t know what they would do. I didn’t want you to get drugged and killed.”  
Desperation fills Yut-Lung again. If this doesn’t work, he’ll wake up at dinner again and have to go through this again and again and again. He may not have much to live for, but he still wants to live his life!  
So his apology has to count. He has to mean it - and he truly does! He doesn’t want him to die! He doesn’t care about him particularly much, but he doesn’t hate him and there’s no reason for him to want to see Shorter gone.

“You have to believe me, Shorter, I didn’t know about any of this. I’d help you if I could, but I can’t. You’re already drugged, so there’s nothing I can do. I can’t get you out on my own. I’m truly sorry. Please forgive me.”

Shorter looks out of it again, and Yut-Lung feels desperation claw at his heart.  
“You have to forgive me! You have to end this loop! Just say you forgive me! Snap out of it and say you forgive me!”  
He grabs the other’s arms and shakes him, but it only makes him start thrashing again, so Yut-Lung steps back.  
“You have to forgive me.”

“What’s going on here?” a voice in the hallway says loudly, and Yut-Lung knows he’s run out of time. The unconscious guards have been discovered.

“You have to forgive me, Shorter,” he tries one last time, quietly, then he has to rush up the stairs to get out before he’s discovered.

Maybe this is enough… He can only hope so. Somewhere deep down he knows it isn’t, but he can’t give up yet. He’ll have to wait and see. Because if this doesn’t work… He’s run out of ideas.

It doesn’t work, and Yut-Lung screams in frustration when his head starts spinning.  
“What else am I supposed to do?!”

**Day 21**

“It seems that our guest of honour is late.”

After nine days of living the days how they’re supposed to play out, trying to accept that there’s no way out, Yut-Lung desperately tries to pull himself together. There _has_ to be a way. He can’t just give up again! This up and down of trying to find a way out and then accepting everything… He can’t keep this up.  
There’s so much to try, he just has to try it and keep trying until he succeeds.

So, while Golzine talks about and to Ash, Yut-Lung’s mind works rapidly. Warning Ash and Eiji doesn’t help, not seeing Shorter’s death doesn’t help, he can’t save Shorter from being drugged because by the time he wakes up he’s already been drugged, probably right after they led him away after their arrival.

So he can’t save Shorter. But maybe if he saves Ash from shooting Shorter, and Eiji from getting attacked by him, maybe then he’ll be free again.  
But how can he do that?

His eyes wander over to Dino, and a sick idea settles in his mind. But it might just work, and at this point he’s starting to realise that maybe he deserves this for what he did. Because of his actions, Shorter is a wreck, a stupidly innocent boy will suffer, and so will Ash who’s always so strong, unless it’s about his friends.

So, steeling himself, he starts returning Golzine’s suggestive looks with little smiles and lip bites. One of his hands is clenched tightly under the table to keep his composure. He did this before. Multiple times. He really should listen to his own words, when he told Eiji that he doesn’t mind this because it’s his life.  
But somehow this is different than all the past times. Because he’s already feeling anxious because of this damn loop. And for the first time, he thinks he deserves this, deserves punishment. This is not to help his brothers, the family, he’s not being forced to do this, this is because he ruined other people’s lives.

At the end of dinner when the guard steps to him to take him back to the bedroom where Eiji is waiting, Yut-Lung pouts and looks over at Golzine.  
“But I thought you’d finally make up for the interruption earlier.”  
“Whore,” Arthur grumbles, but Yut-Lung ignores him.  
“Afterwards,” Golzine simply says. “I’m busy now.”  
Yut-Lung steps past Arthur to Golzine and puts a delicate hand on his chest.  
“But I want you now,” he purrs. He can see that the man is being affected by the look on his face. He’s contemplating.  
To make the decision easier for him, Yut-Lung leans closer and looks up at him through his lashes.  
“I can make it quick.”

Golzine grabs his chin and there’s an almost predatory look in his eyes. Yut-Lung fights down the fear and disgust in his stomach as much as he can.

“We’re delaying everything for ten minutes.”

He takes him into the room with Eiji, but at least he doesn’t touch the other boy. It probably is enough satisfaction to know that he has to listen to what they’re doing. (Eiji is turned away, staring at the wall.)

In the end, Yut-Lung can’t convince Golzine to stay, so he only delayed the inevitable. Eiji is looking at him with an unreadable expression as a guard pulls him to the door after Golzine, and Yut-Lung wants to yell at him that he didn’t do this because he likes it. He did it for him and Ash and Shorter. And to save himself.

**Day 22**

Yut-Lung wakes up with a plate of food in front of him, which means considerably later than usually. But he’s too mentally exhausted to wonder about it further. He makes a mental calculation.  
The events between waking up at dinner and Shorter dying last approximately 90 minutes, and if he didn’t lose count in between, this is the 22nd time he wakes up at dinner.

So he has been going through this for roughly 31.5 hours now. His body is being reset every time, so there’s no physical exhaustion, but he can feel the mental toll of the anxiety and desperation he felt for most of the hours. He needs to find a way to stop this loop if he doesn’t want to go through another 30 hours of this.

He starts eating so he doesn’t arouse suspicion even though his stomach clenches at the thought of eating this again. Maybe the key is getting Eiji out first, then there’s nobody for Shorter to kill. A plan is slowly forming in his head, and his hand steadies. He always feels safer and more confident when he knows what steps to do next.

So, when dinner is coming to an end, he clears his throat.  
“Mr. Golzine, would it be alright for me to retire back to the bedroom already, I’m feeling rather exhausted.”

Like the previous times Yut-Lung had excused himself, Golzine seems to care very little about him at this moment, all his focus on Ash and what’s to come, so he waves him off and the same waiter that escorted him another time leads him back to the bedroom.

Once the door falls closed behind him, Yut-Lung moves to Eiji, hands up to seem less threatening.  
“Listen to me, Eiji,” he starts firmly, trying not to sound too harsh. “We need to get out of here as quickly as possible.”  
Eiji frowns at him.  
“Why should I believe that you’re helping me all of a sudden?”  
Yut-Lung has a hard time not getting angry at him.  
“We don’t have time for explanations. I know the code, we need to go _now_.”  
“I’m not leaving Ash, Ibe-san or Max behind,” he now protests, and Yut-Lung is fighting to stay patient.  
“I told you, we don’t have time for that. We can come back for them, but for now we need to leave!”

Instead of listening to him however, Eiji stubbornly stays in the corner of the room and shakes his head. Screw not being threatening.  
Yut-Lung walks over to Eiji and grabs his arm.  
“We’re leaving. I want to get out of this loop, and saving you is worth a try, so stop keeping me from helping you!”

Eiji tries to get out of his grip and they grapple for a moment until Eiji manages to push Yut-Lung backwards and he falls on his ass.  
“I’m trying to save you! Shorter will try to kill you!” Yut-Lung yells in frustration.

The door is being opened before Eiji can answer him, and Yut-Lung realises that it’s too late.  
“This is your own fault,” he snarls at the Japanese boy, but then he plants himself in front of him anyway.  
He’s not giving up on this small chance of saving himself just because Eiji is being stupid.  
The guard looks at him annoyed and shoves him aside. Yut-Lung stumbles, but quickly catches himself on the bed and returns to Eiji’s side, grabbing his arm tightly.  
“I’m not leaving him alone.”

After considering him for a moment, the guard simply shrugs.

“Papa Dino told me to just bring the boy, but he won’t mind a larger audience.”

Eiji is confused by Yut-Lung clinging to him, but he at least doesn’t try to shake him off again, probably realising that now is not the time for arguing or demanding explanations.

In the cellar, more people are waiting, the other guards clearly confused why he’s here, but not bothering to ask when Yut-Lung glares at them and holds on to Eiji some more.

They’re being pushed into the show venue, and Arthur turns to them, frowning when he sees Yut-Lung.  
“What are you doing here? You weren’t invited.”  
“Fuck off,” Yut-Lung snarls and pushes Eiji behind himself.  
Arthur raises a hand, but Golzine has taken notice of them now.

“What’s going on down there?”  
“The whore has decided to invite himself,” Arthur calls back, anger clear in his voice.  
Golzine seems unhappy about the development as well, and Arthur tries to pry him away from Eiji, but Yut-Lung pulls a needle out of his hair and stabs him in the hand. He can’t knock him out like that, but it’s enough to make him curse and step back.  
“He won’t leave!”

Golzine is red in the face and looks at his guests. He seems to make a decision then.  
“Leave him be. We will see how the boy reacts to others apart from Ash's friend.”

So now Yut-Lung has a front row seat to Arthur agitating Shorter and throwing him a knife. Despite Yut-Lung trying to keep Eiji behind himself, Shorter catches glimpses of him and has seen him enter, so that’s not ideal.

Ash is too perplexed by Yut-Lung being here and helping apparently because he’s not talking, only once Shorter advances with the knife.  
Yut-Lung pushes Eiji out of the way as Ash calls for Eiji to run, then he approaches Shorter and plants himself in front of him, trying to stay away from the knife.

“Shorter, listen to me, stop! This is Eiji, the idiot you and Ash like so much! He’d never hurt you!”

Shorter shoves him aside and rushes towards Eiji who can’t get away in time and is cut across the chest.  
Yut-Lung curses. Maybe he should just leave… But maybe if he just manages to save Eiji, so Ash doesn’t have to shoot Shorter… Maybe then he’ll be free.  
So, gritting his teeth because he’s really doing this for Eiji of all people, he moves between Shorter and the other boy again, trying to keep them separated.

“Shorter stop!” he yells, but to no avail.

Arthur is watching with a pleased expression from the side and throws another knife in their direction.

“You suddenly want to protect Ash’s toy? Then go on, pick up the knife, this fight could be interesting.”  
“Don’t you dare hurt Shorter,” Ash snaps, and Yut-Lung is at a loss. How is he supposed to protect Eiji then? It’s not like he wants to hurt Shorter, but he can’t exactly use his needles and make him go to sleep while he has a knife he’s very willing to use.  
He can’t even use Eiji as a distraction for Shorter because if anything happens to him because of Yut-Lung, Ash will definitely kill him on the spot.

He’s too busy trying to come up with a plan to realise that Shorter’s knife is swinging, directly at Eiji because the idiot stepped out from behind Yut-Lung, possibly to get the knife, or try to talk to Shorter.

Ash screams Shorter’s name at the same time Yut-Lung moves on autopilot. He can see Shorter’s eyes clearing up a fraction, but the knife is moving too fast to be stopped.  
Yut-Lung collides with Eiji, pushing him out of the way. So, instead, the knife buries itself in his throat.

He gurgles as blood splatters from the wound, and his knees give in.  
“No!”  
Eiji moves to his side like the idiot he is, instead of getting to safety, but at least Shorter seems distracted because he’s dragging himself towards Ash.  
“Yut-Lung,” Eiji says, with shock on his face and in his voice. “Why would you do that? You kidnapped me! And now you save me?”  
Yut-Lung can’t get over how silly Eiji is. As if he could reply to his question while there’s a knife stuck in his throat and blood is gushing from the wound.  
Maybe dying has been the solution to his problem all along. There never was a way to get out of it alive.

He looks over towards Ash’s helpless face, then to Shorter’s trembling form. Arthur is talking to him again, telling him to get the second knife and kill Eiji.  
And then Yut-Lung looks at Eiji who is still looking at him confused and desperate. Silly, pure Eiji with the heart of gold…

Yut-Lung wonders if under the right circumstances, they could have been friends and Eiji would have saved him like he’s in the process of saving Ash.  
He would have liked that…

**Day 23**

“It seems that our guest of honour is late.”

Yut-Lung opens his eyes and just screams.

**Day 31**

“It seems that our guest of honour is late.”

Over the past days, Yut-Lung tried to save Eiji again and again, insisting on coming with him, sneaking after them and bursting through the wine cellar door or barricading the door of the bedroom to keep the guards out. Nothing has worked, and he even got Eiji killed twice in his attempts to save him. Those times, Ash shot Yut-Lung as soon as Arthur gave him the gun with one bullet.

It’s a weird feeling, to die and then just wake up again. It makes him feel a little invincible, but also scared that there really is no way out.

His eyes move to Golzine as he talks to Ash, and makes a decision. Even if he hasn’t found a way to escape yet, there’s one thing he can do that would immensely satisfy him: Kill that dirty skunk.  
He moves swiftly, too fast for anyone to react, and stabs one of the knives in front of Golzine in his chest, pressing as hard as he can before he’s dragged off of him by Arthur, and guards rush in.  
Yut-Lung doesn’t even have time to gloat over Ash’s shocked expression or Golzine’s pained gasps, because someone knocks him out.

He wakes up in the bedroom, tied to the bed, alone. It doesn’t take long for him to hear a gunshot and screams, and to faint.

**Day 32**

“It seems that our guest of honour is late.”

Alright, after that escapade last time, he has to focus again. Maybe he can’t do it alone. So, he once again fakes not feeling well and is being escorted to the bedroom, where he sits on the floor by the door and stares at his hands.

“I know you will probably not believe me, but hear me out. I’m stuck in a loop.”

He tells Eiji, who’s sitting stiffly on the bed, everything. He tries to add as much detail as he can while recounting the last 48 hours of loops, not glossing over the fact that his motivations are purely selfish.

“But if I have to save you, Ash and Shorter to do that, I will.”

He finally looks at Eiji. As expected, there’s disbelief on his face.  
“Eiji,” he mumbles. “I know it sounds insane, but I promise it’s happening.”  
“This is some kind of trick, isn’t it? Well, I won’t fall for it. Stop talking to me.”  
“Eiji-”  
“No! Shut up!”

He does. Later, he doesn’t bother leaving the room. Nothing changes.

**Day 41**

“It seems that our guest of honour is late.”  
Yut-Lung is so tired of it all. He doesn’t have any energy left. He stopped eating the food a few loops ago, ignoring Golzine’s questions. Nothing matters. It’s all pointless.

He can feel Ash’s eyes on him and tiredly looks back.

 _Run_ , he mouths. _Grab Eiji and run._

Ash turns his gaze away, and a fire that has been out for a while now, returns.  
“Look at me when I’m talking to you!”

Everyone turns their attention to him. He stopped caring.  
“I said go get Eiji and run!”

Still, Ash just ignores him. Golzine looks at him like he lost his mind, and maybe Yut-Lung has. He doesn’t protest when a guard grabs him and leads him away before he can even finish picking at his food. It doesn’t matter anyways.

**Day 42**

“It seems that our guest of honour is late.”

The door opens, Ash enters.

Yut-Lung looks at Golzine. “Why are you doing this?”  
The man turns to him, startled.  
“Excuse me?”  
“Why did you give Shorter Banana Fish? Why are you going to make Ash choose between watching his best friend kill the man he loves and killing his best friend to save him?”  
“How do you-”  
“Why? I just want to know why you think he deserves that, after everything you’ve done to him already.”  
“How dare you-”  
“Actually, I don’t think you know what you’ve done to him. You don’t, my brothers don’t. Nobody knows but Ash and I. People hear about it and pity us, but they don’t know what it’s like, to be whored out by the people raising you.”

Golzine is very red with anger, and Yut-Lung finds he doesn’t care. He’s not even scared of being punished. What are they going to do? Kill him?

“What has gotten into you?” Golzine demands, but Yut-Lung just smiles.  
“Fuck you. Fuck you and your plan, your house, fuck everything.”  
Golzine looks shocked and Ash like he wants to laugh but is still hung up on what Yut-Lung said about Shorter and Eiji.

“Shut your mouth, whore,” Arthur snaps, and Yut-Lung turns to him.  
“You call me a whore, but if you had the chance you’d fuck me even if I didn’t want it. You’d get off on forcing me.”  
“I said shut up!” The blond man seems furious at his accusations and Yut-Lung’s general attitude, but he still doesn’t care. There’s not a cell in him left that cares about dying because he knows he won’t stay dead. It doesn’t matter. He can say what he wants and they can’t do anything because he will wake up with his body uninjured and functioning.

“I don’t think I will. Did you know I had to watch my mother be raped and murdered? Did you know my brother flirts with me and touches me inappropriately, and I’m just waiting for him to come to my room one night and force himself onto me? It scares me, you know? I told Eiji I’m used to this life, and it doesn’t bother me anymore, but I want to cry and scream when old men touch me, when anybody ignores my clear discomfort because my brothers said it’s okay and that they can do whatever they want to me. I believe Ash feels the same. We may have become mostly numb towards this, but deep down we’ll always feel.”

The room is completely silent. Ibe and Lobo are looking at him with horrified faces, but there’s also pity. Yut-Lung really hates being pitied because that’s all they ever do. People pity him but don’t save him.

Yut-Lung looks at Ash again.

“That’s why I don’t like Eiji. He grew up safe and happy. He’s untainted. And yet he loves you even though you’re as broken, dirty and used as I am. But nobody loves me. I don’t have my own Eiji.”

To Yut-Lung’s horror, he can feel himself tearing up.

Ash’s expression is unreadable.

“You should just go get Eiji and get out of here. Move away and spend a calm and happy life in Japan together.”  
“Enough with your nonsense,” Golzine orders, and Yut-Lung throws one of his knives at him. Golzine dodges, and Arthur grabs Yut-Lung by the hair, roughly pulling him to his feet.  
Considering the length of his hair, everyone is always using it as leverage to pull him around, so Yut-Lung can feel his throat closing up at being dragged by it once again.  
But instead of giving in to the panic, he kicks Arthur between the legs as hard as he manages. The man groans and lets go of him, giving Yut-Lung an opportunity to grab a fork and stab it in Arthur’s arm.  
“It’s not nonsense. It’s mine and Ash’s life.”

He reaches for another fork, but someone grabs him from behind, probably one of the guards or armed waiters.  
Once again, Yut-Lung puts up a fight, but he’s knocked out before there’s any chance at actually freeing himself.

He’s really tired of waking up tied to the bed, waiting for himself to faint, but there’s nothing else he can do.

**Day 43**

“It seems that our guest of honour is late.”

Yut-Lung jumps up and dashes out the room, running straight into Ash and grabbing him by the arm, sprinting down the hallway while dragging him along.  
Ash could have easily stopped them, but he seems intrigued and wants to know what’s going on. In the distance behind them are footsteps of guards trying to catch up with them, but Yut-Lung has gotten rather familiar with this place and keeps turning corners.

“What are you doing?”  
“Taking you to Shorter. Just trust me. I know I don’t deserve it, but do it for Eiji and Shorter. You need to save them, or one of them will die.”

He tightens his grip on Ash’s arm and they round a corner and then hurry down the stairs.  
In the lab, he releases the blond boy and puts one of the guards to sleep while Ash takes care of the other.  
The medical assistant is there again, but Yut-Lung completely ignores him and rushes to Shorter instead, starting to open the buckles keeping him tied down.

“They injected him with Banana Fish and made him scared of Eiji. Golzine wants them to fight while you watch, giving you the chance to kill Shorter and save Eiji, or watch Shorter murder Eiji,” he explains while his fingers fumble a little. Ash is completely silent, but when the last buckle is undone and Yut-Lung pulls Shorter to his feet, he moves towards them.

“You’re not lying to me,” he says, matter of fact.  
“I’m not. You have to get Shorter outside. I’ll get Eiji. We need to get away from here.”  
“You’ll explain to me later why you’re helping.”  
Yut-Lung nods once.  
“I will. Later.”

Then he runs back out the way they came in to go and get Eiji.  
But before he makes it to the bedroom, three guards catch him and hold him back.  
“Where is Ash Lynx?”

Yut-Lung spits in the face of the guard who asked and the man grabs his hair roughly.  
Biting his lip to stay calm, Yut-Lung thinks.  
It’s too late, their narrow window of opportunity is closed. There’s non way Ash can leave Shorter on his own outside to get Eiji, and Yut-Lung can’t help anymore.  
His eyes move to the gun hanging at the man’s belt, and his hands move on instinct.  
He grabs the weapon and points it at the one holding him. He’s not skilled with a gun beyond the basics, his brothers never thought such things necessary to know for him, but the guards don’t know that.

“Drop that!” one of the other two yells, his own gun trained on Yut-Lung’s head. Yut-Lung grins at him, cocks the gun and then moves his finger to the trigger, ready to pull it.  
The guard seems to take no chances, and the gunshot echoes around the hallway as Yut-Lung collapses.

**Day 44**

Yut-Lung wakes up, and he’s in the bedroom instead of at dinner, and Golzine is pulling on Eiji’s clothes.  
Something stirs in Yut-Lung’s chest and he moves over to them, putting his hands over Golzine’s.  
“I’d like to do that,” he says sweetly, and luckily the man steps back with a nasty smile.  
“Of course, why not. Make it entertaining for me.”

Yut-Lung steps behind Eiji and leans to his ear.  
“I won’t let him touch you. You just have to play along. Nothing will happen, I’ll save you.”  
Maybe he imagines it, but he thinks Eiji looks a little less panicked when he moves in front of him and grabs his sweatshirt at the bottom, slowly pulling it up and over his head.  
He still looks really uncomfortable, but the terror in his eyes has subsided a little.  
Eiji is so helpless in this situation, he’s forced to trust Yut-Lung. That kind of makes Yut-Lung sick. For some reason he wants Eiji to trust him because Eiji actually wants to.

It’s stupid. But… after trying to save him a bunch of times and Eiji actually being concerned about him whenever Yut-Lung got hurt by Shorter instead of him… Something is starting to change for Yut-Lung.

He continues undressing Eiji and himself, trying to make it a show for Golzine so he doesn’t actually move to touch any of them just yet. When the man instructs him to tie Eiji to the bed, Yut-Lung complies, making sure the ties aren’t visibly loose, but loose enough so they won’t hurt him. He also pulls the duvet over Eiji’s lower body to make him less uncomfortable, then he turns and looks at Golzine who smiles at him in this hungry way that makes Yut-Lung want to run.  
There’s not even time to wonder why he’s waking up here instead of at dinner, why suddenly, he’s an hour or so earlier.  
Golzine runs his hands over Yut-Lung’s upper body, and he wants to cut them off for it. He tries to think of a plan to distract himself as the hands move lower.  
He has more time, so he can find Ash sooner and they can start the rescue before anyone even knows what they’re doing. They’ll still be missed at dinner, so they don’t have forever, but there’s at least a better chance of success now.

One of his hands clenches around the sheets behind his back as he tries to think harder of the hallways he should take to get to Eiji from the lab, where Golzine could keep Ash before the dinner.

_This has happened countless times before, what’s different now that you can’t keep a grip on yourself?_

It’s probably the overall situation and stress he’s in. Maybe the silent hope at the very back of his brain that if he manages to actually help them escape, they’ll forgive him and possibly… care about him.  
He shouldn’t have finished that thought, it’s stupid. Really stupid.  
At least while Golzine is busy with his body, Eiji is safe behind him.  
And then, after what feels like ages, the phone rings and Golzine announces that Ash is here and that Yut-Lung will eat dinner with them. He sits up and forces a smile on his lips.

“I’m looking forward to meeting Ash again.”

When Golzine is gone, Yut-Lung grabs the robe hanging over the bed, and puts it on, still feeling the hands all over him.  
“Yut-Lung?” Eiji’s voice is small, and Yut-Lung moves over to him, untying him quickly. “Why would you suddenly try to help me?”  
“You wouldn’t understand,” Yut-Lung says simply and then walks to his clothes to get dressed again quickly. “All that matters is that I will save you, and then I’ll be free.”

He picks up Eiji’s clothes too and puts them on the bed next to him. When he turns to move to the door, a hand snatches his wrist, and he looks at the Japanese boy who appears even weaker and more vulnerable than usual without clothes.

“Thank you. For making him stop touching me.”

Yut-Lung doesn’t know what to say. He didn’t expect to receive gratitude, after all he got them into this situation in the first place. So, he just nods briefly and then moves to the door, punching in the code: 6-8-1-2.  
“Hide under the bed if they get to you before me. Maybe they’ll think you escaped with me.”  
“Take me with you now.”  
“If I’m caught, I can say I didn’t find my way to dinner and try to get you after dinner. If you’re caught with me, we won’t have a chance.”

It wouldn’t matter, as Yut-Lung would just wake up at dinner again. Or in the bedroom with an hour extra time. But he doesn’t know why he has that hour, and just in case he won’t ever have it again, he doesn’t want to waste it by being risky.

“I know you have no reason to, but just trust me. Just this once.”

Eiji is silent as he pulls his sweatshirt over his head, then he nods.

“Okay.”

Yut-Lung is a little stunned by this since he expected more arguing from Eiji, but he’s also glad that they don’t have to waste more time on this. One last look at the boy, wondering why he’s starting to care, then Yut-Lung is in the hallway and tries to find Ash.

He doesn’t find him much earlier than dinner because he meets him in the hallway, being escorted by a guard.  
Yut-Lung smiles at the guard sweetly and looks at him through his lashes.  
“Could we walk to dinner on our own?”  
“Papa Dino told me not to let Ash get out of my sight.”  
“Oh, that’s a pity.”  
Quick as ever, he puts him to sleep with a needle, looking at Ash then.  
“We have to hurry. I can show you where they’re keeping Shorter. Then I’ll get Eiji, and we can flee. But we need to hurry, there’s no time for explanations.”

Ash considers him for a moment, then nods his head. He seems to once again understand the urgency of the situation, and Yut-Lung can’t help but be glad.  
The rest plays out like last time, only that this time the hallways aren’t flooded with guards when he hurries to get to Eiji.

Yut-Lung pushes the door open and finds the room empty.  
“It’s me, hurry,” he hisses, and the boy crawls out from under the bed. He actually listened to him.  
“They came here looking for you a few minutes ago,” he says, and Yut-Lung nods, grabbing his wrist.  
“Then we need to hurry.”

Never letting go of him, Yut-Lung rushes them through the house, expertly avoiding guards, and finally finding a door that leads out to the backyard. He pauses and listens for a moment, hearing grunts and Ash’s muffled voice somewhere on their left. Eiji hears it too because he starts moving, but Yut-Lung pulls him back roughly.  
“Shorter is still terrified of you, so we can’t let him see you. Stay behind me.”

Eiji seems to want to protest, but then he hangs his head and nods.  
“I understand.”

Satisfied with Eiji being so reasonable right now, Yut-Lung starts walking, making sure the other boy is behind him the whole time to shield him even though Eiji has to duck, being taller than him. They make it to Ash who seems to be trying to talk to Shorter, but he’s unresponsive.  
“Ei-”  
“Shh,” Yut-Lung snaps, cutting Ash off. “Remember the Banana Fish. He’s okay, let’s just get out of here, they’re already looking for us.”  
“Getting out of here isn’t as easy as you make it sound,” Ash fires back. “We only made it out of the house because the guards are busy looking for us inside and we were lucky to avoid them! But getting away from Dino’s property? You better have a plan, or did you just get us out of here to cause trouble?”  
“I’m trying to help! I didn’t have time to come up with a proper plan! I’m just trying to help!”

Yut-Lung takes a step towards Ash to grab his collar and shake him, but before he can reach out, he realises his mistake because Shorter sees Eiji and starts screaming.

They’re surrounded by guards in a matter of seconds, and Yut-Lung is dragged along after the other three by his hair by Golzine himself, right down to the show venue where he has to watch Ash shoot Shorter once again. He stopped counting how often he had to witness that. Keeping track of the loops is more important.

**Day 45**

“It seems that our guest of honour is late.”

So back to normal. Yut-Lung doesn’t waste time, darting from the room again and dragging Ash with him. He tells him where Eiji is and the code for the door, telling him to meet him outside, he’ll get Shorter.  
Ash looks like he wants to argue, but doesn’t in the end, probably for the sake of Eiji.

Yut-Lung doesn’t pause and runs straight into the lab.  
“Ash escaped and is murdering people left and right!” he shrieks, pretending to hide in the corner.  
The guards snap to attention, share a look and then rush out into the hallway. There’s loud footsteps on the floor above, but Yut-Lung is busy freeing Shorter and then dragging him along.  
This role swap may have been a mistake because he’s way too heavy for him. But his plan was to put him to sleep once he’s outside with Shorter so he won’t alert the guards again. But it seems like they won’t even make it that far.  
Sweat is running down Yut-Lung’s face, but he keeps going, cursing under his breath.  
“I’m doing this for myself, to end the loop,” he then mutters as he drags Shorter down the hallway, the man a dead weight on him - which is better than if he was screaming or struggling, though. “I don’t care about you or Ash or Eiji. I’m doing this for myself.”

They run into guards.  
Ash and Eiji are caught too.  
Yut-Lung is tied up on the floor in the show venue to watch everything again.  
Eiji is distracted trying to untie him so Yut-Lung can help him.  
Shorter kills Eiji.  
Ash locks eyes with Yut-Lung, aims the gun, and shoots him.

**Day 46**

Golzine checks the time. Yut-Lung looks around. It’s a little earlier than usual, but not before dinner. Well, no time like the present to keep trying until he runs out of options.

So, Yut-Lung gets up and grabs his chair.

“What are you doing?” Golzine asks frowning, then Yut-Lung throws his chair at the man and ducks under the table away from Arthur’s hands or the waiters. He emerges on the other side and yells at Lobo and Ibe to get up and be useful.  
He tells them where to find Shorter and Eiji and that they should run and get Ash to help.  
There’s too many guards however, so Ibe doesn’t make it out of the room. Lobo does even though he’s shot in the arm as he rushes down the hallway, as far as Yut-Lung can see before the door closes again and he’s tackled to the ground.

Maybe this time… Maybe with Lobo’s help and the headstart, with Golzine being distracted by him.  
Maybe…

Arthur wraps his hands around his neck and squeezes until Yut-Lung sees black dots dancing in his field of vision. Golzine tells him to stop.

Nothing changes.

**Day 47**

“It seems that our guest of honour is late.”

Yut-Lung breaks down. He has tried everything he can think of. There’s nothing left to do but cry his eyes out, so that’s what he does.

Everyone’s eyes snap to him even as Ash enters the room a moment later, and he just buries his face in his hands as he sobs, apologising over and over again.

“What’s wrong?” Arthur asks.

He didn’t want to cause this. Not only his own situation, but also Eiji and Ash being traumatised, Shorter being drugged.

Because at the end of the day, even if they succeeded at fleeing, Shorter has already been injected with Banana Fish, and there’s non antidote. He can’t fix his mistakes.

“What is going on, answer me, Yut-Lung,” Golzine tries.

Lowering his hands, Yut-Lung looks at Ash, only seeing him blurred.  
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. I promise I didn’t know. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

Eventually, he’s escorted back to the room where he apologises to Eiji just as much, still crying.

Nothing changes.

**Day 48**

“It seems that our guest of honour is late.”

Yut-Lung opens his eyes and stares at the cutlery on the table in front of him. As the door opens and Ash enters, he grabs the pointiest one of the knives and stabs it in his throat, twisting it and ripping it out again before the pain hits him.

There’s yelling and loud voices, but Yut-Lung doesn’t hear it anymore.

**Day 49**

Yut-Lung wakes up in the bedroom with Eiji. They’re alone and dressed.  
What time is it? Why did he not wake up at dinner?  
Is it because he died immediately after waking up?

His mind is working, interrupted when the door opens and Golzine enters.

Oh, so it’s before the undressing part of last time.

Come to think of it, that time he’d died maybe ten minutes after this time.  
A realisation forms in his head. If he dies sooner, he wakes up sooner. That explains why he sometimes woke up later at dinner, when he managed to delay Shorter’s death.  
So technically, if he manages to kill himself again, now… There’s a chance he’ll wake up even earlier, before they gave Shorter the Banana Fish.

He has to do it. But how?

As Golzine drones on about how smart he is and how he will enjoy this, and what he wants to do to them and watch them do, Yut-Lung looks around the room frantically. The phone, a vase. Choking with the phone cord maybe? Or with the rope that Golzine has in his pocket? But choking oneself is impossible because of the survival instinct. Maybe the vase? But he couldn’t hit himself over the head with it. Apart from that there’s the bedsheets and curtains that could be used similarly to the rope and phone cord, but there’s the same issue again that he can’t do it on his own. Maybe if he waits until Golzine is gone and makes Eiji do it… Yes, that should still give him enough time to save Shorter.

He can do this. For the first time in a long while he’s hopeful and motivated again. He can do this.

When Golzine moves to Eiji, lewd smile on his lips, Yut-Lung once again pushes himself between the two and smiles innocently at the old man.  
“Let me,” he purrs. “We’ll give you a show.”

Like last time, he lets him, and once again Yut-Lung whispers to Eiji about how he’ll keep him safe. He doesn’t have to. Being groped by Golzine wouldn’t harm Eiji, so it really isn’t necessary for him to protect him like this, but… Yut-Lung still wants to do it. He’s glad that this Eiji can’t remember the times Yut-Lung woke up too late and let Golzine undress him because the version of him before he wakes up with the consciousness of the loops doesn’t care about Eiji.

It’s complicated to think about. And it’s weird that he does care… For some reason he started caring about Eiji amidst this horrible experience.  
Also, he needs him to trust him if this will work, so he does his best to direct all of Golzine’s attention to himself.

When the man has finally left, he doesn’t waste time, cutting off Eiji's question of _why_ while he unties him.

“I need you to kill me, and I need you to not ask questions.”

“What?” Eiji looks horrified. Yut-Lung grits his teeth. Of course Eiji the saint wouldn’t just do it.

“Take that vase and hit me over the head as hard as you can. You can also choke me if you prefer that.”  
“Yut-Lung, why are you saying that? Is it because of Dino tou-”  
“No! Just do it! I can’t explain.”

Yut-Lung looks down at himself. He didn’t even bother with clothes this time, and Eiji is avoiding looking at him.  
To make this a little easier, Yut-Lung grabs the robe and puts it on, tying it.

“Please, Eiji. You need to do this.”  
“I don’t understand.” The boy sounds a little helpless and very confused.

Yut-Lung grits his teeth. It’s okay. There’ll be enough time left.

So, he hands Eiji his clothes and starts explaining again.

“So my hypothesis is that if I die now I will wake up in time to prevent Shorter from ever being drugged, and we can all escape together,” he finishes.

Eiji is looking at him like he grew a second head, and Yut-Lung is about to say that yes, timeloops are hard to believe, when Eiji speaks.

“Why do you want to help us? You kidnapped us.”  
So that’s the hardest part to believe about this?  
“I didn’t know what they’d do. I don’t want Shorter to die,” he simply says and points at the vase again.  
“Hurry up or it’ll be too late.”

Hands shaking, Eiji picks up the heavy vase and Yut-Lung sits on the floor to make it easier for him.  
“As hard as you can,” he reminds him.  
“Are you sure this will reset the loop? It won’t just… kill you?”  
“I’m sure. And even if it just kills me, at least you got revenge for Shorter.”  
“I’m not a person who seeks out revenge.”

The vase hits his head.

Yut-Lung wakes up some time later in bed with a horrible headache. His eyes find the broken shards on the floor and he rolls his eyes up to the ceiling.

“Idiot,” he mumbles, “Can’t even kill someone properly.”

**Day 69**

Yut-Lung is so tired of Eiji refusing to kill him or failing because he’s a weak and pathetic coward who had the perfect life growing up and can’t kill people for that reason.

Nine failed attempts, not counting the times between that when he had to kill himself over and over at the dinner table to even get back to Eiji at that time.  
Yet… He can’t seem to hate the boy anymore, even now.

But maybe there’s a better way to go about this. So, when Golzine enters the bedroom and starts going on about himself, Yut-Lung grabs the phone, rips the cord from the wall and throws it at Golzine, reaching into his hair for a pin.  
He thought maybe because of his age and body Golzine would be a little easier to overwhelm until he’s angry enough to kill Yut-Lung, but the man is still stronger than him and pins him to the bed harshly.

“I did not expect this from you,” he whispers in his ear and then pins his arms down with his knees, crotch way too close to Yut-Lung’s face for comfort, and ties his hands together above his head so tightly, the rope is cutting into his skin.  
Yut-Lung thrashes against him, trying to free himself, but he doesn’t move, and Eiji isn’t helping either, just staring at him from the side, stunned.

Golzine climbs off of him and slaps him across the face. Then he ties him to the bed and rips off his clothes.  
They were expensive, so it upsets Yut-Lung.  
It’s only because they were expensive, not because he’s terrified of what his punishment will be.  
His eyes meet Eiji’s, and he tries to grin. At least Golzine seems to have forgotten about the Japanese boy. But his lips quiver, and his eyes burn as Golzine makes sure he regrets ever reaching for that phone.

A little while later - someone had fetched Golzine since the phone is broken - Yut-Lung is lying in the bed, staring at the ceiling, blinking frantically. This has happened countless times. Why is this affecting him so much?

The bed dips, and he forces himself not to flinch.  
Eiji unties his hands quickly, and then sits next to him, not looking at him.  
“I should have helped.”  
“He would’ve included you.”  
“I should have helped,” Eiji says again, firmer this time, and then he reaches for Yut-Lung’s hands and gently runs a finger over his sore wrists.  
Yut-Lung bites down on his lip harshly. He doesn’t remember when someone last touched him without the intent to hurt him or fuck him, or just drag him along.

But Eiji… Gentle Eiji is now intertwining their fingers and holds his hand securely.

“Why did you kidnap me and Shorter?”  
“My brothers told me to,” Yut-Lung replies flatly.  
“Did you know they’d drug Shorter?”  
“No. I tried to save him so many times now…”

Eiji squeezes his hand.

“What do you mean?”  
Tired of repeating himself, Yut-Lung tells him about the loop without any emotion in his voice.  
“It's been so many. I think… I think this is 70. 69? 71? I don't know… I'm tired. So damn exhausted.”

Eiji is still holding his hand, and Yut-Lung hopes he'll never let go again.

“I need you to kill me as soon as Dino leaves. But so far you either didn't want to do it or didn't do it properly… But I need to wake up in time to save Shorter.”

They sit in silence for a bit, and then Eiji takes off his sweatshirt and hands it to Yut-Lung since Golzine destroyed his clothes.  
It's a pretty sweatshirt at least, and it's warm and smells like Eiji which is kind of comforting even though it shouldn't be.  
Yut-Lung puts it on without protest, along with his underwear that has not been torn apart, luckily. 

“I need to believe you immediately so we don't waste time,” Eiji mumbles, tapping his chin. Yut-Lung nods, free hand tugging at the hem of the sweatshirt absently.  
“If I tell you something you couldn't possibly know unless I myself told you… That should convince me, right?”

Yut-Lung blinks. So far, he hadn’t thought that he's relying on other people to do this until he needed Eiji's help to die, so he didn't think of ways to convince someone easier. 

“You're not as stupid as you look.”

That makes Eiji laugh a little, then he seems to think.  
“Okay there's this weird childhood fear I never told anyone about. I used to wake up when I was younger, and instead of my room seeming too small and claustrophobic, it seemed too big, like it goes on forever. It freaked me out a lot, and I still don't understand why that happened. It's likely that I dreamed it, but why was I scared of a giant room?”

Yut-Lung huffs. 

“And that story will make you believe me?”  
“Definitely.”

Well… There's nothing left but to wait for dinner time and die again. He hopes Eiji will continue to sit with him a little longer. 

“Hey, Yut-Lung?”  
“Yes?”  
“Why do you hate me?”  
“I don't hate you anymore. Seeing you try to help me in past loops, and being kind to me despite everything I did… I used to hate you because you got lucky. You were born into a good life. And now you're trying to save Ash from his life and himself and… Maybe I want to be saved too.”

It doesn't matter what he says. Eiji will forget this anyway.  
As if reading his mind, Eiji squeezes Yut-Lung's hand.  
“Please tell me that once you managed to help us escape. I'll save you too.”  
“I don't want to date you.”  
“I don't mean by dating you. I was thinking more along the lines of friends.”

Friends? Eiji really wants to be his friend. Yut-Lung is amazed.  
“Okay.”

They sit together until Eiji is fetched by the guard, and Yut-Lung waits to faint all alone.

**Day 73**

Eiji finally succeeds.

**Day 74**

Yut-Lung opens his eyes and blinks, trying to orient himself as quickly as possible. He’s holding Eiji, Shorter is being dragged away, Arthur is telling Eiji who he is.  
Eiji tries to walk over to Shorter, talking about how he’d never betray Ash, but Yut-Lung tightens his grip on him, not letting him go.  
He feels really protective of Eiji with all these people in the room.  
Yut-Lung keeps holding him even as he fights against his hands and his grip because Shorter is being dragged away, and he pulls him even closer.

“Trust me, we’ll save him,” he whispers as quietly as he can to him and Eiji freezes.  
When guards approach them and reach for Eiji, Yut-Lung steps in front of him reflexively.

“Suddenly protecting him?” Arthur asks with a condescending tone of voice. Yut-Lung has to get a grip on himself. He can’t screw this up. Eiji took forever to finally kill him for good, he can’t go through so many tries again without losing his mind.  
So, even though he feels horrible while doing so, he grins and lets go of Eiji’s arm.

“I simply don’t want him to get more attention than me.”  
“You’re such a whore. Don’t worry, you’ll get your attention later.”

Yut-Lung allows the guard approaching him to grab him and lead him towards the bedroom he’s already so familiar with. When he opens the door for him, Yut-Lung puts him to sleep and kicks him inside, closing the door.  
Now to save Shorter.

Pelting down the hallway to the by now very familiar staircase, Yut-Lung reaches the lab at the same time as Shorter. He must have put up a fight to delay them like this.  
He grabs a tray from the side while he’s being yelled at what he’s doing here and who he is by a doctor.  
Too tired to even raise his voice back at them, he swings the tray at the guard holding Shorter who lets go of him.

After a moment of confusion on the young man’s face, Shorter grabs the gun from the guard that Yut-Lung had hit and knocks the other one out. Yut-Lung kicks the one that’s already on the floor in the head.  
Now there’s only the doctor, and Shorter knocks him out too. But Ash isn’t here yet, or Lobo and Ibe. If they all leave now, him and Eiji too, Golzine will still have them in his hands and just wait for them to try and save them.

They’ll know Yut-Lung helped Shorter escape and he’ll get punished again if he stays, likely more than last time.  
But there’s no other way.  
_You deserve this_ , he reminds himself. _You got them into this situation._

“You need to flee,” he tells Shorter. “They’ll inject you with Banana Fish and force you to attack Eiji.”  
“What?!”  
“Please just believe me and go! I’ll get Ash and Eiji to safety, just go and get help!”  
“Why would I believe you?”

A valid question, but Yut-Lung snaps.

“I died and put myself through hell so many times for you now just to save you and the other two! I let him touch me. I let him…”  
He blinks, trying to calm himself.  
“Go and get help. We both know we need help to get Ash and Eiji out too.”  
“You died?” Shorter looks more confused now than angry.  
“I don’t have time to explain. Go. Just go. I won’t let them hurt Eiji, I promise. I swear on my mother I’ll do everything in my power to protect him.”

Shorter studies him for a few moments, and Yut-Lung is anxious because Golzine will be here with Eiji any time now.  
“Fine. I’ll go get help. But if anything happens to them-”  
“I know. Just go. And take Banana Fish with you so they don’t give it to Eiji.”  
Yut-Lung grabs the vials and shoves them into Shorter’s arms.  
“Destroy them.”

A part of him wants to take those words back, take a vial for himself to use against his brothers, but he can't risk Golzine getting it from him and drugging Eiji or Ash or himself.  
Shorter holds the vials and stuffs them into his hoodie.  
“I don't understand why you're suddenly helping.”  
“I'll explain once we're safe.”

Finally, Shorter turns and runs up the stairs. Yut-Lung looks at the unconscious guards and doctor, and startles when there are quick footsteps approaching and more people dressed like the doctor enter the room. They stare at him and then the unconscious people, and call for help.  
It's fine. Yut-Lung just waits there in the middle of the room, knowing that there's no way out of this unscathed.

When Golzine enters with guards and Eiji after a few more minutes, Yut-Lung rushes forward to the boy.  
“Are you okay?”  
“I'm fine,” Eiji says, confused. “Where's Shorter?”  
“I would like to know that too,” Golzine says coldly, eyes trained on Yut-Lung who pushes his shoulders back and reaches out, grabbing one of Eiji's hands so they won't be separated.  
“I don't know what you're talking about.”  
“Where is he?!”  
“Papa, the Banana Fish vials are gone,” someone says, and then Yut-Lung is grabbed by the collar. His hand tightens on Eiji's, but the other doesn't try to pull away.  
“What did you do with it? Where is Shorter?”

Yut-Lung begs that he somehow made it out by now with everyone being focused on the intruder in the lab.  
“What's Banana Fish?”  
Golzine hits him and Yut-Lung's head flies to the side, and pain explodes in his jaw, but he keeps his mouth shut firmly even as he's handed to a guard who shakes him.  
“Go search the building,” Golzine barks. “Find him.”

When most of the guards except for the ones holding Yut-Lung and Eiji have left, he focuses back on them and their joined hands.  
“So you're suddenly friends, I see. Then perhaps you should both be punished for this.”  
Yut-Lung meets Golzine's eyes.  
“You won't touch him.”  
“And how will you stop me?”  
“If you touch him Ash will not hesitate to kill you, and I will help him. Maybe you'd like to try your Banana Fish yourself.”  
“Bold words for a twink like you,” Arthur grumbles from the side.  
Yut-Lung struggles against the guard holding him and tries to pull Eiji closer to him.  
“Leave him alone. You can do with me whatever you want, but leave him alone.”  
“Anything, really?” Golzine watches him with an expression that makes Yut-Lung want to run.

Eiji's hand in his is shaking, so Yut-Lung forces himself to nod.  
“Anything. You won't touch him.”  
“What an interesting proposal. Take them to the room. Ash will be here soon, and I'd like to beat the defiance and rebellion out of this snake first. Your brothers assured me of your loyalty and usefulness, but I see that that praise was misplaced.”  
“I’m loyal to those who deserve my loyalty,” Yut-Lung dares to say since it doesn’t matter anymore anyways. He’s already in big trouble, so he can just say what’s on his mind.

But Golzine doesn’t seem to want to start an actual conversation, just signals the guards to lead them away.  
They try to separate him and Eiji, but Eiji is now also holding on to his sleeve with his free hand, apparently realising that Yut-Lung is serious about helping him. So, the guards give up and drag them together.

In the room, they’re briefly alone, and Yut-Lung grabs Eiji by the shoulders.  
“Are you really okay? Did he do anything?”  
“I’m okay. One of the guards groped me, but… I’m fine.”  
Yut-Lung nods and takes a few deep breaths.  
“Okay. No matter what Golzine has planned for me, you stay away. Don’t provoke him to drag you into this.”  
“But-”  
“No. It’s okay, I’m used to this.”  
“You shouldn’t be,” Eiji says firmly. “I don’t know why you’re helping me, but… You’re different suddenly, you’re not someone who lies to and kidnaps people who trust him anymore. And I don’t want you to get hurt.”

Yut-Lung’s lower lip is trembling.

“I’m stuck in a time loop. You were kind to me every time even when I wasn’t. You tried to help me. I… I’m sorry for getting you in this situation in the first place. I was so stupid…”  
“A… time loop?”  
Yut-Lung nods.  
“Shorter was supposed to die, and every time he died I woke up again. You told me about your reverse claustrophobia that you had as a child.”  
Eiji is staring at him and then huffs.  
“Well… America sure is strange if you have things like that here.”

Yut-Lung grins a bit, and Eiji smiles back.  
Then the door opens and Yut-Lung plants himself in front of Eiji.

Golzine closes the door behind himself and then approaches them.  
“You said I could do anything, didn’t you? Maybe Arthur is right and you’re nothing but a whore after all.”

Biting down on his lip, Yut-Lung doesn’t bother with an answer, just stays in front of Eiji. He can hear his rapid breathing behind him.

“Get onto the bed then.”

Eyes narrowed, Yut-Lung moves slowly, never taking his gaze off of Golzine. If he breaks his part of the deal he’ll beat him to death with the telephone - not that it’s likely that he’d succeed… Yut-Lung hates how weak he is.

Once on the bed, Golzine joins him and ties his hands and legs to the bed. Yut-Lung looks over at Eiji whose eyes are impossibly wide.

 _Look away,_ Yut-Lung mouths and when Eiji turns around, he closes his eyes and just lets it happen.  
He can feel himself dissociating eventually, and embraces it.

“No! You said you wouldn’t!”

Eiji’s voice snaps Yut-Lung back into reality, and he sits up abruptly.  
“Get away from him!” His throat hurts, and he’s sure the disgusting pig’s fingerprints are embedded in his skin with how much he choked him. “I let you do with me what you wanted!”  
“You were never in the position to make demands or suggest deals. You stole from me when you freed that boy. Now Ash’s Japanese cat has to pay for it. It will break Ash, to know his pet went through the same things he had to endure.”

Yut-Lung throws himself against the restraints, ignoring how it burns and rips at his skin.  
“I said get away from him!” He doesn’t like the way his voice sounds wrong and breaks, and he wonders if his throat is seriously injured, but he doesn’t have time to worry about that right now.  
“Eiji!”

The boy is trying to back away from Golzine who’s holding his arms, but there’s the wall behind him.  
“I took a vial!” Yut-Lung manages, and Golzine’s hands pause where they had been tugging on Eiji’s sweatshirt. “I took a vial of Banana Fish.”  
“There was nothing in your clothes.”  
Golzine turns to look at him, and Yut-Lung just wants him to take his hands away from Eiji.  
“It’s hidden in my hair, like my needles.”

Skeptical look on his face, Golzine walks back to him and grabs his chin.  
“If you’re lying to me, I’ll fuck the boy right here on top of you.”  
Yut-Lung’s eyes lock with Eiji’s again as Golzine starts undoing Yut-Lung’s hair roughly, ripping out more than a few strands in the process.

Eiji is clearly terrified, but Yut-Lung hopes he’s not too far gone to help, and his eyes flit over to the vase again and again, until finally, Eiji moves.

Golzine throws a bobby pin aside and tugs Yut-Lung’s head forward forcefully, moving a hand through the hair again to find the vial.  
“There’s nothing here,” he hisses and lets go of Yut-Lung’s head. Not thinking about what it’ll do to himself and his nose, he slams his head forward against Golzine’s, making the man curse. Before he can do more than that, Eiji is there and slams the vase over his head.

The man collapses on the bed, face on Yut-Lung’s chest, and doesn’t move again.

“Shit, Yut-Lung, he… we have to…”  
“Untie me,” he croaks

Eiji obeys immediately, and then helps Yut-Lung push Golzine off of himself.  
He hands him the robe that was hanging over the bed, and his shoes. His clothes are once again ruined, and he feels incredibly exposed even as he ties the robe as tightly as he can.  
After a moment, Eiji takes off his sweatshirt and hands it to him.  
“You did that before,” Yut-Lung mumbles and puts it on, hands clenching around the soft material.

Then he forces himself to focus and get up from the bed on shaky legs. His whole body is hurting, but they don’t have time for that.  
He’s still glad that Eiji puts an arm around him to help him to the door where Yut-Lung punches in the code.  
Then they’re in the hallway.

“Ash should arrive soon or have arrived by now,” Yut-Lung starts, every word hurting, and is interrupted by the phone in the room ringing.  
“He’s here. We need to find him and leave before they find Golzine.”

“Will you be okay? We might have to run.”  
“I'll be fine.”

Still, Eiji keeps the arm tightly around his waist as they walk, and Yut-Lung can't help but wonder if he deserves it now after trying so hard and genuinely starting to care for Eiji to the point that he'll get himself in harm's way to keep Eiji safe. 

He shakes his head and focuses on walking and not running into any guards. They need to find Ash and leave. 

In the end they run into Ash and a bunch of guards in the hallway, and Yut-Lung's brain works at high speed, trying to find a way for them all to escape. There's none. Not unless Shorter returns within the next minute. Which he won't.  
So, Yut-Lung improvises, pushing away from Eiji and falling to the ground. 

“Help, we were attacked by the boy who escaped,” he groans, voice still fucked up, and looks up at the guards. They don't move, and Yut-Lung wonders if they already know he helped Shorter escape. Or maybe they just don't care about some random boy. 

“Why are you walking around alone?”  
“We were supposed to meet Mr. Golzine somewhere, but our guards went after Shorter,” Eiji says, voice surprisingly steady even though his eyes are flicking back and forth between Yut-Lung and Ash nervously. 

“We heard one of Papa Dino's guests helped him flee,” one guard says, eyeing them suspiciously.  
“Oh he's being punished right now by Dino,” Yut-Lung ensures him, trying to use his raspy voice to his advantage, and smiles at the man seductively.  
He doesn't get the expected reaction.  
Instead, the guy grabs him by the arm and roughly pulls him to his feet, pulling a whimper from Yut-Lung's throat. His body is hurting all over and he's reminded of how exposed he is, only wearing the gown and Eiji's sweatshirt.

“I don't believe you. We're taking all of you to Papa.”  
Yut-Lung reaches into his hair with his free hand, but Golzine looking for the Banana Fish must have dislocated his needles and made them fall out. He's defenseless.  
But he's also desperate and out of options.  
So, he tugs at his arm that's being held, then bites the man's hand as hard as he can. 

The guy howls and tries to pry him off, but Yut-Lung clenches his jaw and tastes blood.  
“Get him off of me!”  
There's hands in his hair and on his body, tugging and pulling, and finally he has to stop so nobody dislocates his arm.  
Ash is only held by one guard now, the other three around Yut-Lung, restraining him. 

Yut-Lung locks eyes with Eiji, who starts shaking his head frantically. Yut-Lung nods once.  
They have to get out of here. 

He doesn't see what exactly Eiji does, but then he and Ash are a few feet away, no guards holding them anymore.

“Run,” Yut-Lung grits out.  
“Yut-Lung-” Eiji starts, but he interrupts, addressing the other boy.  
“Ash, go!”

Gladly Ash doesn't care about Yut-Lung, so he listens to him and drags Eiji along as they run, two of the guards following them while the other two stay with him. 

Yut-Lung is so tired.  
And alone. Fear is clawing at his chest, but he keeps his head held high even as he thinks back to what Eiji told him during one loop about Yut-Lung wanting to be saved too.

_“Tell me once we're out of here. I'll save you.”_

But Yut-Lung won't make it out of here, will he? So there's no time to save him.

At dinner, Yut-Lung's hands are tied at his back to the chair. Yut-Lung can't believe he's allowed to be here even if he can't eat and there's no Ash to please Golzine. The bald man seems really angry, and Yut-Lung can't quite blame him for it. After all he got hit with a vase, and even if it didn’t kill him, he must have a horrible headache.

Ibe and Lobo are still there and they seem nervous, probably wondering where Ash is since Golzine didn't bother telling them that Yut-Lung helped him and Eiji escape. They also keep darting looks at Yut-Lung, probably because he’s still wearing Eiji’s sweatshirt and his hair and face are a mess.  
Yut-Lung does his best to look unbothered, and now that he knows Eiji is safe and the loop is most likely over it’s a lot easier to put up a façade.  
Even as Golzine starts talking.

“Since my entertainment has been taken from me, we’ll have to improvise. I’m sure you’re aware that those weren’t my only Banana Fish supplies. I believe I’ll let someone deliver more within the hour, and then we’ll see how the drug works on a snake.”

Yut-Lung looks at him lazily. His whole body is still in pain, but there’s also just immense relief. Ash and Eiji made it out, as well as Shorter. They’re safe. He made up for what he did.  
He would have liked to get Ibe and Lobo out too of course, but he’s sure Ash and Shorter will return for them with help.

“You can’t scare me.”  
“Are you sure about that?”  
“Eiji is safe,” Yut-Lung says simply.  
“When exactly did you start caring about him? That’s truly curious, your opinion on him changed in a matter of minutes.”

Yut-Lung averts his eyes from Golzine to stare at the ugly curtains.  
“He believed I could be saved.”

Golzine’s laugh is ugly.  
“There’s no saving for you anymore.”

Lobo and Ibe are staring at him when Yut-Lung’s eyes skim over them back to Golzine.  
He doesn’t bother answering, repressed fear clogging up his throat. Will he be forced to kill someone, like Shorter was? Maybe this is how it was always supposed to end: Shorter and his roles reversed to do penance for kidnapping Shorter and Eiji. For letting himself be used by his brothers. For not saving his mother all those years ago.

His eyes burn with unshed tears as he sits there and waits for his end.

All three of them are being led downstairs into the show venue, Lobo and Ibe get chained to the same pillar as usual, Yut-Lung gets Ash’s spot.  
They’re left alone then aside from two armed men guarding them outside the doors.  
Yut-Lung hangs his head and breathes in the scent of Eiji’s sweatshirt. It’s comforting, almost like a hug from the other.  
“Why are you wearing that?” Lobo finally asks.  
“Eiji gave it to me.”  
“You betrayed us. Why do you pretend to care about Eiji now?”

Yut-Lung smiles a bit.  
“I don’t know how to care for someone. The only one who ever cared about me was my mother. And now Eiji… While he was here I could protect him, but I guess it’s good that I won’t make it out of here. I wouldn’t know how to show that I like him.”

“What did Golzine do to you?” Ibe sounds just as on edge as Lobo. Yut-Lung supposes it’s fair as they don’t really know what’s going on anymore.

“Nothing that hasn’t been done to me before.”

For a long time he had believed that he deserves being used by his brothers, but slowly the anger and hate towards them took over and he was sure he didn't deserve it.  
Now he wonders whether he not only doesn’t deserve being abused, but if he maybe also deserves to be happy and loved… 

“If Golzine makes me attack you once I’m drugged, I want you to kill me.”

“How old are you?”

Yut-Lung looks at Lobo, wondering why that matters.  
“Sixteen.”  
“We’ll get out of here and we’ll take you with us.”

Idiots. Of course they will get out of here. Ash will save them. But Ash doesn’t care about Yut-Lung. He’ll be left behind. Alone.  
At least he still has Eiji’s sweatshirt.

He only realises he’s crying when he tries to look at the two men again and just sees two blurred figures.  
As silly as it is, he doesn’t want to be alone when he dies. He wants Eiji to hold his hand again.

Needless to say, that’s impossible.

Yut-Lung must have drifted off, mind exhausted from hours of this loop - it’s loop 74, he thinks, but he doesn’t have the mind to calculate the hours right now, especially since in between he only spent seconds in one loop before getting to the next. When he wakes up again, it’s to an explosion and then gunshots.

“Your rescue team is here,” he tells Lobo and Ibe. He wants to be glad for them, but he’s too scared to hide how jealous he sounds. He’ll be alone any minute now.

There’s gunshots from outside the venue and then the doors fly open and Ash and Shorter barge into the room, moving straight to the two men chained to the pillar to free them.

Yut-Lung hangs his head, not wanting to see them leave. His lip is trembling.

“We need to hurry,” Ash says, and Yut-Lung has to bite his lip so he doesn’t ask him to not leave him behind. This is his atonement.

Then someone pulls on his chains and his eyes snap open. Shorter is trying to cut the chains with a bolt cutter. Yut-Lung doesn’t know what to say, he’s too perplexed.

“Eiji made us promise to save you too.”

Eiji… His saviour.

The chains fall, one by one, only the shackles stay around his wrists and ankles because they don’t have time to pick the locks. They weigh his battered body down even more, and he knows he’ll slow them down. They would be better off leaving him.

Shorter looks at him, then steps forward and picks him up, throwing him over his shoulder.  
Yut-Lung yelps, strangled, but nobody pays him any mind, they just rush out of the venue to the staircase, ready to get the hell out of here.

They make it upstairs thanks to the distraction from what seem to be two gangs helping them. Ash and Lobo shoot guards they encounter while Shorter has to hold on to Yut-Lung to keep him from falling. Yut-Lung’s body aches with every step, but it’s nothing compared to the pain when Shorter has to jump behind a corner to avoid getting shot, and Yut-Lung’s face slams into the wall. He can feel blood running from his nose, and there’s black dots dancing in his view.  
Shorter apologises and tightens his grip on him, but Yut-Lung has a feeling he’s not actually sorry. He doesn’t blame him.

The rest of the escape is mostly a blur since Yut-Lung can’t focus his eyes on anything anymore - he probably has a concussion - but he remembers grabbing his earring and ripping it out, throwing it to the floor. He won’t go back to his brothers. He’ll ask Eiji if he can stay with him. With him and Ash and Shorter. Maybe they will have all forgiven him one day.

“Yut-Lung!”  
Eiji’s voice has him perking up and he realises that they’re outside. They don’t stop moving however, so he closes his eyes again. He started feeling sick a little while ago, and he wouldn’t put it past Shorter to drop him and leave him behind if he throws up on him.  
“Is he okay?”  
“We don’t have time to check on him right now,” Ash says sourly.  
“He protected me and saved us, Ash,” Eiji shoots back.  
“He got us kidnapped in the first place.” Shorter sounds out of breath. Even though Yut-Lung is smaller than him and rather thin, he still weighs a good amount.

“But he made up for it! He let Dino-”  
“Don’t,” Yut-Lung interrupts him, croaking. “It doesn’t matter.”

Nobody says anything for a long time.

They arrive somewhere eventually, and Yut-Lung is placed on something comfortable. His stomach lurches at the movement, but he presses his hands to his mouth. He won’t throw up.

“Yut-Lung.” Eiji touches his shoulder and he shivers. “There’s blood on your face.”  
“He hit a wall during the escape,” Shorter mumbles, sounding ashamed.  
Are they all afraid of disappointing Eiji?

“Give me something to clean his face with. And a hairbrush. A first aid kit, too.”  
“He should see a doctor,” Ibe’s voice chimes in.  
“His brothers would find him and then Dino us.” Ash sounds on edge.

Yut-Lung stops caring about who else might be in the room with them when Eiji starts cleaning his face with the softest hands. Then he helps him sit up and runs his fingers through his hair lightly, untangling the worst knots.  
Just when he’s almost managed to relax, a second pair of hands touches him and Yut-Lung’s eyes fly open, his body moving in front of Eiji instinctively, shielding him.  
But it’s just Shorter who’s now staring at him in surprise. Yut-Lung can’t care about that however because the quick moving doesn’t agree with his upset stomach and he can only lean to the side over the edge of the mattress he’s sitting on, and throw up. There’s not much in there since he didn’t eat dinner at Golzine’s place, but he feels like he’s dry-heaving for hours until he manages to stop. Eiji holds his hair back the whole time.

After throwing up he’s handed a water bottle and empties most of it in one go. Then he lies back on the mattress and closes his eyes. He feels completely mentally drained.

“Did you see how he immediately protected Eiji?” Shorter.  
“He could have faked it to gain our trust.” Ash.  
“No, you didn’t see the look on his face. He actually wanted to protect Eiji when he thought there’s danger.” Shorter.  
“I just don’t understand what changed. Nobody completely changes their attitude to someone over the course of half an hour.” Ash.

“He told me why he did, but…” Eiji trails off. It’s quiet for a moment, then Ash tells someone to clean the floor. When that’s done, he sends Lobo and Ibe and presumably his gang members and the leader of the second gang that helped, out of the room.  
Yut-Lung cracks open an eye after the door has closed.  
There’s only Shorter, Ash and Eiji left. Eiji is wearing Shorter’s jacket.

“Tell us. We need to know if we can trust him,” Ash says, voice sounding softer now that they’re almost alone. They’re disgustingly in love. Yut-Lung wants someone to love him like that too.

“He’s stuck in a time loop that ended with Shorter dying, and he lived through those events at the mansion over and over again trying to save us so he could end the loop. And over the course of that he started to like me because I was kind and forgiving.”

A beat of silence.

“And you believe that? Time loop, really?” Shorter scoffs.  
“He told me about a childhood fear nobody else knows about. He has to have heard about that from me, but I didn’t tell him. Not in this version of today at least.”  
“That’s just insane, what if he hypnotised you to tell him a secret?”

“Look at him!” Eiji’s voice is angry. “He told me not to look, but I could _hear_ what Dino did to him. Yut-Lung made a deal with him that if he leaves me alone and doesn’t touch me, he will let him do to him whatever he wants. He made Yut-Lung pretend to like it! He made him…”

Yut-Lung wants to tell him to stop. He doesn’t want them to know. But he doesn’t have the energy to open his mouth or push words out. His throat is hurting so badly, even though the water helped a little.

“He made him compliment him as he… molested him, made him ask for it. And Yut-Lung did it all to protect me. He let him choke him and hit him and…”

Eiji sounds like he’s going to cry.

“And I just stood there and didn’t do anything.”

The silence that follows is only interrupted by Eiji’s weak sniffles.

“Time loops, huh? Sounds fucked up,” Shorter mumbles. “And they’re over now? He won’t get sent back and have to do it again?”  
“He was pretty sure that saving your life would end them since only your death restarted them. Or his own death.”

More silence, then:

“How many times did he protect me?” Eiji whispers.  
“What do you mean?” Ash’s voice is kind.  
“How many times in those loops do you think he let Golzine use him just to keep me safe?”  
“It’s not your fault.”  
“I know, but he remembers every single time. I only remember today. But he… Oh god he went through so much… He didn’t deserve that.”

A few silent tears escape Yut-Lung’s eyes at those words. Eiji thinks he didn’t deserve the pain and stress he went through. That’s nice.

“Let’s just let him sleep for now. We need to check on him regularly in case he does have a concussion, but let’s discuss the rest of this in a few hours.”  
“I’ll stay with him,” Eiji decides.  
“I’ll get you something to drink,” Ash replies to Yut-Lung’s surprise. He’s not arguing with him.

Eiji returns to Yut-Lung’s side and runs a hand through his hair again. Yut-Lung hates it when people touch his hair because they just use it to hurt him, but Eiji is so gentle with it, it almost feels nice.

The next few days are weird. They stay in the shabby apartment of one of Ash’s gang members and Yut-Lung is taken care of with the first aid kit even though they’re all not happy with it because it’d be safer to consult a doctor.  
Yut-Lung sleeps a lot because he’s exhausted and feels like the emotions from all the loops are catching up with him, and Eiji always sits with him and talks to him when he jolts awake until he has calmed down again. Sometimes he gives him very careful hugs, and nothing helps Yut-Lung relax like those.

Nobody but Eiji is allowed to touch him, even though Yut-Lung wants to stop being so dependent on the Japanese, especially because of the death glares he receives from Ash whenever he looks at Eiji for a moment too long.

“There’s no reason for you to be jealous,” Yut-Lung says on the third day when Eiji is in the bathroom and Ash hands him a glass of water. “Nobody will ever love me the way he loves you.” He smiles weakly. “Nobody will ever love me, actually.”  
“Stop pitying yourself.”  
Yut-Lung looks at Ash.  
“That’s easy for you to say. You have Eiji, there’s no reason for you to feel alone anymore. I’ll always be alone even if Eiji is really kind to me right now. It won’t last, I know you won’t let me stay.”  
The blond looks away and Yut-Lung knows he’s right. He’ll have to leave as soon as he feels better.

Ash leaves him then and Yut-Lung rolls over on the mattress, staring at the wall, counting the fissures in the paint even as his eyes burn.

Two more days later, Yut-Lung is physically mostly recovered even though his voice is still scratchy. Mentally he is barely holding on. He keeps having flashbacks of dying, of Golzine holding him down on the bed, of Ash screaming Shorter’s name.

When Eiji is in the kitchen to get him some more water and nobody else is in the room with him, Yut-Lung grabs the knife from the plate his lunch had been on and gathers his hair in one hand. Before he can think about it more, he moves the knife over the hair with as much pressure as he can. It’s not nearly sharp enough to work well, but it does its job. Slowly, his hair falls to the floor.

“I’m ba- Yut-Lung! What are you doing?”

He looks at Eiji in the doorway and shrugs.  
“I don’t want anyone to pull my hair again.”

There’s footsteps in the hallway behind Eiji as Eiji walks into the room and chews on his lip.  
“It won’t be even this way.”  
“I don’t care.”

The footsteps return and Shorter enters the room, holding scissors.  
“I’ll do it for you. You’ll only hurt yourself with the knife.”

He sits down next to Yut-Lung who tenses. The last time Shorter touched him was that first day when he tried to take a look at his injuries.  
Technically he knows that nobody here would actually hurt him even if they wanted to, simply because that would earn them Eiji’s wrath.

But after what he had to go through, Yut-Lung only trusts Eiji. Because Eiji saved him. Eiji didn’t give up on him when he should have. Eiji who calls himself Yut-Lung’s friend by now.

Yut-Lung drops the knife on the floor and waits, body tense. Shorter takes his hair carefully, and then there’s the sound of hair being cut.  
“I used to cut my own hair before I shaved the sides. I also cut my sister’s hair more than once, so don’t worry, I won’t mess up. How short do you want it?”  
“I didn’t think of that yet.”  
“How about I surprise you then?”

He doesn’t like surprises.

“Okay.”

Yut-Lung stares at himself in the mirror. His hair frames his face nicely at chin length, and Shorter hadn’t been lying. He didn’t screw up, so he has to have actual experience.  
“I like it,” Eiji says, and hugs him from the side..  
“Makes you look less like a spoiled rich boy,” Shorter comments.

One of Yut-Lung’s hands moves up and tugs lightly at a strand. There’s still enough there that someone could hurt him and drag him around, but… It’s less. It makes him feel safer. Slowly, he nods.

“I like it too. Thank you.”  
“No problem. I hope you’ll sulk less now.”  
Eiji steps on Shorter’s foot who curses.  
“I told you not to make fun of his trauma,” he snaps, and Shorter looks sheepish.  
“Sorry, right…”

Yut-Lung leaves them behind in the bathroom and finds Ash in the kitchen.  
“I’m ready.”

The blond looks at him, banana in hand.  
“For what?”  
“For you to kick me out. I can tell Eiji it was my plan if you don’t want him to be angry with you.”  
“Kick you out?”  
“Yes.” Yut-Lung is getting angry. “Just do it. I don’t want to prolong what’s inevitable.”  
“I mean we are moving out, I stole money from Dino and bought a condo, but I wouldn’t call moving out kicking out.”  
“Don’t patronise me!”

Ash rolls his eyes and crosses his arms.

“If I wanted to kick you out I would have done that already.”

His eyes say more than his mouth.

_I understand what you did for Eiji. I understand how hard it is, even when you think you’re used to it and it shouldn’t bother you anymore. I’ve forgiven you for kidnapping Eiji and Shorter. You’re safe and welcome here._

Yut-Lung wants to cry with relief, but he just nods.

“I understand.”

The thank you is unspoken. Both of their thank yous.

**Author's Note:**

> I love the time loop trope and I wanted to write something Yut-Lung centric because I really love him and his personality, motivations etc because he's way more complex than some people give him credit for  
> Also, I'm a sucker for Yut-Lung and Eiji becoming friends in fanfictions
> 
> And I need to write fic with Shorter surviving for my own sanity 💕  
> There is no Episode 9 in Ba Sing Se ~
> 
> This was my first time writing these characters, so I hope I did them justice!  
> Feedback would be appreciated! 🥰


End file.
